


Bad Blood

by vallahwillbemyheaven



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-23 08:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4870248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vallahwillbemyheaven/pseuds/vallahwillbemyheaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somehow, even with how terrifying his boyfriends could be, Jack seemed to be the most mature one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Blood

Jack Pattillo wasn’t honestly sure how he got here in his life. Not only was he in a relationship with two men, but he was in a relationship with two 1000 year old [Give or take] vampires. He couldn’t honestly describe it as weird anymore because the relationship had gone on for so long that every one of the weird quirks his boyfriends had seemed so normal to him now.

Geoff was arguably one of the oldest vampires in existence, having been around since the days of King Arthur. Geoff, in his own way, was terrifying; His fangs, when they did protrude, were much like shark teeth. There were two rows of sharp teeth on the top of his mouth and 2 more on the bottom. They only ever really showed up when he needed to feed; it was like he had spring loaded teeth covers.

Geoff always said he preferred to drink off drunkards. Whiskey might taste good, but it tasted better in blood, apparently. He usually went and found a few around midnight coming out of a bar, lured them into an alley, and drained them. Jack was less than interested about that.

Ryan was Jack’s other vampire boyfriend. He was arguably somewhere around 800 years old. He and Geoff were two different ‘species’ of vampire, if you could call it that. While Geoff had shark-like teeth, Ryan’s were more like fangs. They were long, curved, and slid out from behind his regular teeth.

Ryan also seemed to be able to live off animal blood, though it was somewhat unappetizing and unsatisfactory. When he could, he would drink the blood of cows because it lessened the risk he would get caught by cops.

Cops were the biggest factor in the fact that there was a cooler full of blood bags in the basement. Ryan and Geoff couldn’t always go out to feed. In Geoff’s case, the city would start screaming serial killer. In Ryan’s case, there’d be a big news article about dying cattle. They would never feed off Jack unless circumstances were dire, even though Jack honestly wouldn’t mind.

Somehow, even with how terrifying his boyfriends could be, Jack seemed to be the most mature one. The best example was the current one; Jack had been trying to clean the house all day from blood spills and weird vampire marking habits when he walked into the living room. Ryan and Geoff were hissing at each other, fangs protruding, circling the room. Jack was less than please with the state of the living room; they had left it in shambles.

What Geoff and Ryan were doing was something they called the ‘alpha dance’; basically, Ryan was trying to assert dominance over Geoff and it wasn’t working. In the wake of that, the both of them had torn up furniture, scratch the hardwood, broken all the glass in the room, and thrown a hammer into the TV.

Jack’s way to remedy the situation was to hit the both of them with the broom. Very hard. In the face. It left them confused long enough that their attentions both drew to their human boyfriend.

“Do you know what room I just cleaned up? Do you see the state you’ve both left it in? Do you know who is now going clean it up again?” Jack asked, clearly angry. The living room had been spotless when he finished cleaning it an hour ago and now it couldn’t even be distinguished as an actual room that was used by civilized people.

“Ryan started it!” Geoff whined, voice slightly distorted by his fangs.

“You threw the hammer at me,” retorted Ryan who was already in the process of drawing his fangs back.

“So the TV is coming out of Geoff’s wallet then.”

“Ha!”

“And Ryan gets to pay for the rest of the furniture. And the glass.”

“What Jack. Wait, no!”

“Then maybe don’t damage the rooms next time, dumbasses.”

Jack threw the cleaning supplies at them before going into the kitchen. It was, thankfully, still spotless and Jack was willing to ignore the amount of diet soda and blood in the fridge in order to enjoy cold water while he watched Ryan and Geoff work.

Ryan and Geoff were meticulous about cleaning the room. They didn’t want to have to pay for anything else, even though they knew they probably deserved to. Ryan was cleaning up the glass, Geoff was trying to buff out the scratches in the floor. It was quite funny to watch.

Jack found it funny that Geoff and Ryan were so incredibly over protective and maybe slightly possessive about Jack, but when they pissed him off, it was like Jack was talking to two kicked puppies. Geoff was fuck-all years old and Ryan was 800 years old and yet the 32 year old human scared them. Jack was aware he’d probably die long before them and leave the two of them to each other, but sometimes Jack just didn’t care.

Vampires like lavishing their lovers in riches and pleasure and Jack had gotten used to it. He liked being treated like royalty, as cliché as it was. Watching the two of them cleaning the living room after they destroyed it was just too satisfying.

It was also over too quickly, with the way Vampires could move. Jack was only a little bitter about it; he was happier to see that the living room was sparkling clean and also that his boyfriends were apparently ready for a nap.

Naps were the best thing about vampires. Everyone always portrays them as sleeping like a corpse, but in reality they’re very cuddly when they sleep. Geoff only sleeps like a corpse once a year when his body needs to remove year old blood. It was apparently the most effective way for his body to sweat it out because it caused his heart to pump harder but send the blood nowhere since all his other body functions were otherwise shut down. It was only a little creepy, but luckily Ryan didn’t need to partake in that. He just vomited blood instead, which could in some ways be worse.

Jack was always in the middle of the vampire cuddle pile. He was the little spoon, surprisingly, to Geoff while Ryan always slept opposite to him. Their bed was made of memory foam and feathers. Being alive for a couple centuries apparently can cause constant back pain and it always helps to have a soft bed.

When they were all situated, Jack was pretty sure nothing but the apocalypse (Or maybe Jack missing from bed) could wake them up. It was exactly like sleeping with a corpse, temperature wise, but Jack didn’t mind.

As he settled down, Jack thought over his life and smiled. Sure, it wasn’t the most usual relationship, but Jack was happy and that was what mattered. Now if someone could invent mortality that didn’t include being bitten by a vampire lover, Jack was pretty sure he’d be set.


End file.
